First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
