I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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