Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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