he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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