I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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