Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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