I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
