Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay