Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
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he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest