I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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