i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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