Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
