i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
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It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
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Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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