it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
