so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
