and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
