drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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