I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
