why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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