My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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