She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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