last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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