You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
