i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I just gargled with NyQuil
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
