Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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