Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
