i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Randomize
