i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
