He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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