Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
