her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
