I would go down on you faster than GM stock
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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