I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
