Soap is not a condiment
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
