The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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