She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
