I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
as a side note pls kill me
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
