I used to practice getting hit by cars.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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