uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Randomize
