Your mouth is God's brothel.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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