I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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