I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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