You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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