Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
