Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
