..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
