I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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