Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Fuck appropriateness.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
