I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
