If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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