Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
