Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
