I'm pants shitting drunk right now
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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