dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
