If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
