The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Let's paint friendship bongs
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
