I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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