my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
